Under Pressure

Hey party people,

The weekend's a wrap & I hope yall all had fun. I know I haven't written in a few days & honestly it's because I just had nothing to say. I've been feeling pretty discouraged after having a weight-gain week & i figured I'd spare yall my whining. Even though it's been rough, I have not let up on my workouts. I'm more motivated than ever to not have a repeat of last week, but on days like today, I'm just not sure I will ever get to the spot I want to be.

This weekend I feel like I've taken a step back out of my shoes & just looked at my life as is. Coming into this, I knew that'd I'd be under a lot of pressure. On top of that, I knew this blog would cause extra pressure, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I love writing & I love sharing my thoughts with all you great people ;) & for the most part, it has given me a great amount of accountability.

But it is pressure nonetheless... I feel pressure to get weight off because it's important to my health. I feel pressure to succeed because if I quit, 100s of people will see me fall. I feel pressure to not eat a cookie at church because so many people read this blog. I feel pressure to persevere even though my knee hurts more than it ever has before. I feel pressure to learn to swim well because that may be the only form of cardio I can do for a while.

On top of all that I'm worried about setting my major in stone, at 19 it's not a big deal to be undecided, at 21, it is. I feel pressure to catch up on math so I can do engineering so I find myself studying trigonometry so I'm better prepared in the fall. But it's still a lot weighing on me.

I feel pressure to hang out with friends even though I'm too tired to do anything but work and workout. I know if I don't nurture the relationships I have, one day I'll wake up and they wont be there anymore.
I feel pressure to drink even when it's not diet friendly because that's kind of what "going out" consists of at 21.

I feel pressure to do well every time I see the look on my parent's face after we've had "words."

I do pretty well under pressure, but there's some days that I just want to fall apart. And what happens when I fall apart? I eat. My mind automatically shifts to impulsive temptations. Even though my diet has been good this week, I want nothing more than to binge eat right now. That's such a fat person thing to say, but it's the reality of things. The only thing I've found that's better than eating is going to CrossFit. That's why the weekends are hard. No CrossFit, no outlet. I've never been so happy for a Monday.

I REFUSE to give in. I'll go for a drive to just get air, it seems like that's the only other
thing that calms me down these days.