Big Thinking

Is it possible that even with all of these exhausting workouts I'm gaining weight? Today is just one of those days... I feel 10 times heavier than the people around me. Whether it's my reflection in the computer screen or the discomfort of a student chair, I just feel big. 

Part of it may be that I didn't have time to work out today. I tried to justify it in my head by doing two workouts yesterday so I wouldn't face this inner conflict, but it's just not working. I worked from 7:30AM-5:00PM, took a history exam from 5:30-7:00, & am in class from 7:00-10:00PM. People keep telling me, don't worry about it! You've worked so hard this week. But honestly, I am worried about it. It is 88 times as easy to fall off track than it is to get back on & getting on track is something I hope to never have to do again.

I've been sticking to my diet ok... but it's soo hard. I love macaroni & cheese, & snickerdoodle cookies, & slurpees... anything with sweet flavor, is on my list of favorite foods. So i've fallen off track a few times, but my goal for this weekend is to finish The Paleo Diet book that Doc gave me. I've had it for weeks but I just haven't had time. Along with this goal is to clean out my cabinets & refrigerator of all the junk food & temptations. I'm saying it on here so it's official, after Monday, it's Paleo all day, everyday!

As the weekend approaches, I'm working A LOT. But I'm trying to get some workouts planned in (: So hopefully these discouraging feelings will soon go away!

What in the World Have I Gotten Myself into?

I'm trying to avoid all things that cause me pain. Of course, that means there's nothing left to do.
I've been holding my bladder for a good 45 minutes because the idea of doing a squatting motion is far less appealing. Staircases are not my friend today, actually walking even causes me pain. It honestly feels like my legs are carrying 40 bricks along with them.

2 days down, a bajillion to go!

The beauty of all this though, is that I know something is working! I've become painfully aware of muscles I didn't even know I had and even though they hate me right now, they're going to thank me for this later.

Today was my second workout with Sean at CrossFit Glory & I'll spare you too many details. But I did learn a few new CrossFit favorites.

The three main things I learned were the front squat & the back squat which are basically just squats with a barbell. Also the overhead squat which is my personal favorite (: Below is a link to CrossFit exercises that have excellent photos & videos that better help explain the moves.

http://www.crossfit.com/cf-info/excercise.html

Here's the thing though, this is not a blog to teach you the ends & out of CrossFit. This is a blog that really follows my journey to a healthier life; Sharing the anxieties of an overweight college student, who has a whole lot of confidence that is often masked by the fear of judgment from others. The motto at CrossFit Glory is "Shatter Your Comfort Zone", which is exactly what I'm working to do.

I have yet to go to a group class & I am about as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs... What will people think of me? They're going to finish their workout in half the time of me! Thankfully Sean assured me that everyone will probably be focused on their own workout which is probably true.. But there is still that anxiety of working out in front of others. Something that came to mind though, is would I rather be seen as the fat girl trying to get in shape, or the fat girl doing nothing about it? Hmmm.. That's not a hard choice. I feel more judged going through a drive thru at McDonalds than I do at the gym. But I am a lot more self conscious at the gym with tall, skinny, tan, gods and goddesses. Why is it that skinny people always have tans & great hair? When I lose weight maybe I'll have a tan & fabulous hair... I sure hope so ;)

Today was embarrassing though, we did a 10 minute work out and did the following 3 things until time ran out:

5 Push Jerks
10 Wall Balls
15 Kettle Bell Swings

I was pretty embarrassed because I got tired, FAST. I couldn't get the ball up to the target. & my swings were less than pleasant looking. But you know what, I finished & like yesterday, that's all that matters!

On the plus side, my push jerks are looking much better & I got through the exercise without too much concern for the jiggly jumping :p

Can you imagine doing 150 of those??

This was the entirety of our workout but let me tell you, it was plenty! Wall balls were actually pretty fun but I can't imagine having to do a large number of them. Sean told me about a workout they do where you have to do 150 for time. Uhm, can you say CRAZY!?

While my legs are completely shot, it's time to get ready for another workout with Doc. Cross your fingers it doesn't involve squats!

Let The Fun Begin...

This morning was ridiculous. I had an emotional break down on the way there, crying that I wouldn’t be strong enough or fast enough or even be able to finish a work out. The workouts I’ve done with Doc are no longer than like 20 minutes, & now I’m expected to last an hour??

I arrived at CrossFit Glory at about 10 till, hoping to start early because I had to work at the ham store RIGHT after. (This was only adding to the stress of the whole workout thing, I cannot stand being short on time).

Well, I got there before the trainer. As I stood in the rain waiting, wiping the tears away from my eyes, half way hoping he forgot, I pulled myself together just in time for Sean to pull into the parking lot.

Sean is from what I understand, the head trainer. He’s young, very in shape, & seems to be extremely passionate about CrossFit. He reminded me a lot of my older brother, which certainly gave me an instant calming feeling. I heard about him from a few people, a family friend, my favorite past trainer, Patrick, & somehow my parents got word of his awesome training abilities.

CrossFit Glory is not your usual set up. There’s no treadmills, no machines, nowhere I can run & hide. It was a big open space, some medicine balls, a few rowing machines, some pull-up bars, lots of kettle bells, some racks, & some weights. It really looked like a weight lifters heaven, not somewhere you’d usually find me. It kinda looks like that one side of your normal franchise gym where all the hot guys workout… Yeah, I don’t go there much.

Anyway, Sean explained to me that there is a different workout each day & everyone does the same thing except it’s scaled to your own abilities. This is scary & at this point, I hadn’t even started working out.

The first thing we did was a warm up… We did the following, four times:

15 seconds of jumping jacks

15 seconds of squats (to my satisfaction, he said I have great form).

15 seconds of mountain climbers

15 seconds of jumping squats

That sounds easy, but I seriously thought I was going to puke. My quads were killing me, & jumping really isn’t my thing. (It makes my whole body jiggle, not a good look). I thought I was going to have a heart attack & we’re only 4 minutes in…

Following the warm-up, Sean showed me how to do a proper deadlift, shoulder press, & shoulder press jerk. The deadlift was easy & I actually could lift quite a bit of weight. I have always been told I was naturally strong, in fact in high school it was propositioned that I go into weight lifting, but this isn’t the most attractive idea to a 17 year old girl… Anyway, I was glad that I didn’t totally suck at the deadlift or the shoulder press. Now the jerk is a different story. It’s basically a shoulder press with a jump, & as I mentioned before, jumping just isn’t my thing.

& we’re not done yet… Following this, Sean showed me how to use the rowing machine. I had never used one before even though I’d have many opportunities to. This is one of my dad’s go-to machines. Rowing wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t particularly easy either. I felt like my stomach got in the way of the bending motion but maybe I’m rowing the fat away… ;)

Lastly, we got to the one thing I’d dreaded the most, pull-ups. I had heard that pull-ups were plentiful in the life of a CrossFitter, they weren’t kidding! I was that kid that couldn’t even do one pull-up on the fitness exam in elementary school. The idea of even trying to get my chin over that bar is a f***ing nightmare to me. Sean assured me that they had ways to help me do a pull-up. He put a band on the bar that you put your foot in & it supports some of your weight, allowing you to pull up. After getting away from the fear that the band would snap, I stepped into it. And to much embarrassment, I still couldn’t pull up… not even a tiny bit. So we moved to what is probably the last resort, reverse pull-ups. I’m convinced Sean made these up on the spot to make me feel better, but who cares, it worked. What I did was stand on a box, jumped so my chin was over the bar, & lowered myself as slow as possible, which wasn’t slow at all. After doing like 5… Sean said it was time to start my workout.

“Wait, what??? That wasn’t my workout? You gotta be kidding me!” I was already dead.. My legs were shot, my arms were shot, I wanted to cry... But I'm not the kind of person to give up so I pulled myself together.

My workout was as follows:

500m of rowing

40 squats

30 sit-ups

20 push-ups

10 pull-ups

I finished it in 11:40 but it seemed much longer. I was rocking through the rowing but Sean told me to slow down because I had further than I thought… He was right, by the end of the rowing, my whole body was jello, but I finished! & that’s all that matters.

I have my next workout with Sean tomorrow… Hopefully it will be just as hard because I feel great tonight. Not really, but I know this soreness is the result of hard work (: 

Counting to Five

I'm afraid. Actually, there's not even words for the way I'm feeling right now. I don't want to go inside. I'm not ready to be the fattest, slowest, and weakest person at the gym. I turn up the radio and rock out to my favorite song... That doesn't help. I call my best friend, Leah... That doesn't help. I am still afraid. Then all of the sudden my recent obsession with the TV show "Lost" pays off... I think of Jack, give myself 5 seconds to be afraid, then tell fear to get the f#!k out! I'm getting out of the car & there's no turning back...

Changing My Diet.

Tonight Doc & I went grocery shopping instead of training (because my ankle STILL hurts!) But this little field trip was completely necessary. I have done so many different diets that I wasn't even sure what I was allowed to have. So as I followed "the expert" around the produce section like a lost puppy, I realized how many fruits & vegetables I haven't even tried. Looks like I have some new things to taste! Being a habitual muncher, I was glad to hear that fruits & vegetables are unlimited.

Something cool that I learned was to shop only around the edges of the store. So I tried to keep my "Fat Lizzy" mind from wandering down the aisles with mac n cheese & pop-tarts. Man, am I going to miss those! Thankfully I found some things that I DO love, like carrots. I could eat so many carrots I'd turn orange!

So we bought some organic beef. Which my dad & I cooked for dinner and it was so good! I'd definitely recommend it. I also got some wild caught cod, really excited to try that tomorrow!

At this point, I haven't quite worked my diet out.. So for the mean time, it's fruits, vegetables, & lean protein for me! Let's see how this goes...

& The Results Are In!

Hallelujah it's just a sprain :) So so thankful that I won't be out for more than a couple of weeks. As I was sitting in the waiting room, I continued to read the Paleo Solution book that Doc lent me & I'm excited because I can really work on my diet even though I can't work out. So I'm on crutches until Monday (that's a workout in itself!) & then hopefully I'll be out of the Aircast by Friday. Fingers crossed!

BOGO: 2 Trips. 1 Down the Stairs. 1 to the E.R.

Today I was thinking about how terrible it would be to break a bone & lose the momentum & dedication that I have right now. I was thinking this as I was walking out the door of my apartment. I ran down the steps, twisted my ankle, & found myself lying on the ground in tears, with the Paleo Solution book still gripped between my hands. I managed to get on my feet & limp to my car. Deciding to shake it off and see how it felt later, I decided to continue my day & head to my voice lessons.

BAD IDEA. I wasn't even off my street before realizing that I should probably go to the hospital. It's83 shades of purple and as swollen as a balloon. So here I sit... Waiting for some answers!

12 Minutes...

Last night I had my first workout with Doc. On the way, I could come up with a million & one reasons NOT to go...
1. I was tired
2. Criminal Minds was on television.
3. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not a big fan of working out in front of skinny people, especially attractive guys.

Even with these not-so-good excuses, I knew no matter what, I was going to go. I need this & I refuse to let my weight control my life anymore.

We walked to the park and did a 12 minute workout. Maybe you're thinking the same as I was, "12 minutes? Piece of cake!" Let me tell you... This was 12 minutes of Hell! It really showed me how out of shape I really am. I was completely & utterly embarrassed. Well, you gotta start somewhere... So here I am, starting, in the middle of nowhere with the finish line not even in sight. But hey, it's one step at a time!

Here We Go Again...

As you all know, with the exception of you random bloggers, I have been overweight for as long as I remember. I have done countless things to try to get in shape but nothing seems to work! I've done everything from fat camp, to weight watchers, to medifast, to yoga... I'll lose about 70 pounds, be happy but then one day get emotional, & take a trip to McDonalds. This has been an ongoing cycle for years. 

Generally I would pronounce tomorrow a "fresh start" but God only knows how many of those I've had in my life... So I'm considering today a new chapter. The crap from my past will always be there and all I can do is learn from it. 

How did I come to this decision?

I woke up last week and attended a psychological assessment, which would determine my eligibility to be a candidate for bariatric surgery. I answered the odd questions as "positive" as possible and interviewed with a psychiatrist that would pretty much single handedly decide my future. As I anxiously worked hard for his approval, I explained to him my weight loss journey and all that it consisted of. He saw my determination as a good indicator that I would work hard post surgery and to my excitement, he cleared me. 

The minute he gave me the good news I called my mom and dad and let them know how happy I was to finally have an answer to my weight loss problems. But then... panic mode set in. "What if this doesn't work?" "What if I'm that 1% that dies from complications?" "What if people think of me differently because I didn't do it on my own?" It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. The first thing I decided to do was call my sister. Unfortunately, she didn’t answer so I settled on talking to my dog instead. Great listeners they are…

The greatest listener of all though is God, and I began praying for guidance nightly. I asked him for a sign that would help me decide whether or not surgery was the right option for me. I prayed for peace with whatever decision I came to. Well, the sign was clear on Tuesday morning. I got a call from my psychiatrist that he wasn’t going to clear me after all. There were some things I still needed to work out emotionally before undergoing such a life changing procedure. After receiving the news, I cried… A LOT. But by that evening, I was happy that I had been “let off the hook.” I don’t look at it as a bad thing, I look at it as God giving me one last opportunity to take my health into my own hands and honor the body He has given me.

So with that it starts a new journey. This is day zero, of many more to come.