Me & Jesus

To those who are still reading this blog after two terrible days of me whining... Thank you. Friday night was significantly better. I've calmed down, refocused, and persevered. 

I did do the WOD yesterday, even though I told myself I wouldn't. I actually physically tried to sleep through it because I know I need to take a break. I went to sleep around 4PM after a long days work, and didn't set an alarm. I guess around 5:30 my body knew it was CrossFit time. As funny as this is, (and I'll never admit this out loud) but I'm kind of diggin CrossFit. If there's a class, and I'm not working, there's no place I'd rather be.

Today I made up for it by taking the day off, sleeping in till noon, & creating my blogs “new look.”

Since I started this journey two weeks ago, I've failed to shine light on the most important reason for my hopefulness, dedication, positive attitude, and faith that this will work. I don't want to downplay the amazing contribution of my trainers, Sean & Doc, my parents & their words of wisdom, my readers & their inspiring messages & support, or my own awesome abilities. But without my faith in God & my belief in the power of prayer, would I have even made it this far.

There has not been a training session to date, that I haven't prayed before going. When I was in the process of getting cleared for bariatric surgery last month, I prayed for God to let me know whether or not that was the right decision for me. I have no doubt that my weight-loss journey along with the help of CrossFit Glory is a gift from Him. I have been blessed with a comfortable atmosphere, amazing trainers, and friendly people. When I began my CrossFit journey, a friend told me the best decision you can make, is joining a box that feels like home. God has blessed me with just that.

Last summer, my dad gave me the idea to put Philippians 4:13 on all of my shoes. That way when preparing for each workout session I am reminded of the strength that God has provided me with. Now I literally walk with God wherever I go.

Jumping Ship

I’m going to let y’all in on a little secret… Tonight, I quit CrossFit. I was avoiding writing today because after a discouraging day like Wednesday, I wanted to be able to report better news… The reason my quitting is a secret, is because it only happened in my head for about an hour following class. That was up until I got a call from Doc.

Let me tell you, if anyone can get me motivated or calmed down about something, it’s that guy. I don’t know if it’s that he just gets my thought process or if he’s just that awesome but either way it worked.

I was pretty upset after my workout tonight. I had what I thought was a terrible session. I am exhausted. My muscles are exhausted. Everything hurts & I was pretty sure I was going to pass out between each round. My wrists kept giving out on me & let me tell you something else… In highschool I loved having small dainty hands, but now that I’m trying to deadlift a bajillion pounds, they are quite frustrating! I can’t seem to get them to stay wrapped around the bar. I get that I’m not going to be awesome at everything… but still! I only could deadlift like 205lbs. Disappointing...

At some point during the workout Sean asked me if I’d rather be running, I didn’t say this… But at that point, I would have totally rather been running! My muscles just weren’t having it today.

So following the workout I was totally down on myself. I was completely ready to give up and at that point, I had decided that CrossFit wasn’t the way I was going to get in shape. I worried (and still worry) that it’s too hard on my body. Carrying so much weight, my joints are already not in the best of condition. This was all going through my mind as I was driving to class (college not workout). I stopped and got dinner at McDonalds and a six-pack from the party store conveniently across the street from CrossFit Glory. I was pretty much done.

While I was enjoying a cheeseburger, I got a call from Doc. Perfect timing, eh? He basically said, one bad workout isn’t a reason to get down on myself. We’re all going to have them. Of course I knew this, but seriously? I could hardly even do my scaled workout! But he also pointed out that I’m really not used to training like this, my body is probably responding to this new crazy stuff I’m doing. He assured me that I am doing well and at the time, that’s really all I needed. A friend that would say hey, you’re crazy for even considering letting this stop you. Now all I need is my body to get on board!

The one thing I’ve come to love about CrossFit though, is I can definitely treat it like a sport. I can combine the intensity I got from lacrosse and the dedication & determination that I have in tennis to really put my heart into something again. So even if I have to slow down a bit, I really think it’s something I can one day be rather good at.

So yeah, I’m sure McDonalds & the liquor store appreciated my business today but all it did for me was remind me of the crutches I used to have in my life. This is a time for rehabilitation, not to relapse into old habits.

So I tossed the burger to some sea gulls, or street gulls, did some retail therapy. (Maybe $500 too much of it).  Bought a $12 jump rope & got back on board… I guess I never really jumped ship, just went for a little swim…

#discouraged

When I walked into CrossFit Glory last week I'm not sure they knew what they were getting into. If you don't know my back story, of being an overweight kid, to being a varsity tennis star, to losing weight, to gaining weight, to becoming depressed, to turning it around and not only attempting to live healthy, but to rebuild my entire life, you wouldn't understand my idea of commitment.

Today was discouraging. For the first time I felt real inner conflict between the ideas of my trainers. Even though nothing was said, it seemed like everyone thought I should be doing something differently. Like nothing I'm doing is good enough... :/ Some people think I'm doing too much & some people think I should work out as much as I can. I'm sure this is a passing feeling but tonight, I can't seem to shrug it off.

Last summer after losing 50lbs

My biggest worry is getting injured... I've been injured so many times in my life and I know how hard it is to get back on track after an injury. But I also believe that in order to be losing weight, I should be working out more than the average person. To those of you who don't know, last summer I lost over 50 pounds. This wasn't due to lack of commitment. I worked out close to 7 hours a day through a program called Wellspring. I may be jumping the gun here, but my mentality is, if I can do that, I can do this. (Even though content wise, this is much harder).

Some say that everyone gets excited and really into it when you start something new, but in this case, that's not it at all. I don't really want to go do CrossFit everyday. I'm not that much of an enthusiast yet, but I do want to turn my life around. I enjoy feeling accomplished at the end of a hard workout and if I start to feel good about myself, I know my life will start to change for the better.

As far as my workouts went today, they were good. I back squatted 185lbs which apparently is "dang good for a girl" Whatever that means...

My workout partner was Mary (Sean's mom). I really enjoyed it because she was extremely encouraging and helped me in whatever way she could. She was very inspiring because even though she couldn't do everything, she never stopped and finished the workout. She is definitely someone to look up to because I've had a hard time being embarrassed about making modifications. So if anything made my discouraging day worth while, it was having a wonderful workout partner and sometimes, that's all you need.

They Say I'm Crazy...

I set my alarm for 4:03AM because I knew it would take quite awhile to get me out of bed.
*DISMISS*
I rolled over & fell back asleep. Thank goodness for my second alarm that went off at 4:36AM...
*SNOOZE*
Ughh, I just don't want to get out of bed! Especially since I didn't even go to bed until 1:00AM.
Around 4:43AM I decided that I am more likely to regret not going than I am to regret going. 
I scurried upstairs (yes, I said scurried) to take a quick shower & get out the door. I grabbed a bag of apple slices on my way out, fed that cat, & drove a little (or a lot) over the speed limit to get to Auburn.

This morning I met a new to me trainer, Jayce. He's pretty cool, mostly because he gives high-fives. I had just been waiting to get a high five ever since I joined CrossFit. As weird as it is, there's something accomplishing about it, something that makes you smile. 

The WOD (Workout of the Day) was:

Front Squat

Strength: Front Squat 5 x 1

WOD: 3 rounds

Run 400m

15 Chest to Bar Pull Ups

15 Deadlifts

The front squat was challenging to say the least, we did 5 rounds of only 1 rep (which means you basically want to lift as much as you can). Each round Jayce made me add a little more. The most I lifted was 150lbs. Pretty good, eh?

The run killed me as always.... 

My pull-ups were pretty legit this morning. I did them faster than usual.

My deadlifts were challenging but my form definitely could use some work.

Following the workout I went home, slept for 2 hours, woke up, took a much needed shower, found my cat eating a chipmunk, rushed to work, made ham sandwiches for 4 hours, rushed to the church, worked on the bulletin for 3 hours, & this is why they call me crazy...

From there I decided to go back to CrossFit & do the WOD all over again.

There were brief moments I wished I wasn't there, but as Sean reminded me, I chose to be there. I'm choosing to work this hard. I'm choosing this lifestyle. 

I maxed out at 165lbs (15 more than the morning)

I did the workout 1 minute faster than I had in the morning.

I'm proud that I did both. From the blisters on my hands, the pain in my feet, the bruises on my shoulders, to the constantly sore quads... I'm proud of it all. It's the best pain I've ever felt.

They say I'm crazy, but I prefer the term dedicated. 

My First Group Class!

First group class: check! 

Ahem, ladies & gentleman... May I have your attention please? I did it! I worked up the courage to go to my first group class! I am pretty content with the way it went.. Although, I was pretty embarrassed at times.

On my drive over, I looked online & saw that we'd be doing 5 rounds of 400m runs... I wanted to turn around instantly, but I didn't. My workout ended up being scaled to 3 rounds but it was still hard work! I was so so thankful because Sean (my trainer), ran with me! That meant soooo much, especially on my first day. Everyone was friendly & rooted me on, which definitely eased the nerves a little bit.

Doc was there too which was nice to see a familiar face (: After the running, which was painful considering I had been working on my feet for the prior 8 hours, we started our beginners class.


We did squats... lots & lots of them. But what else is new?

I did learn a new move called the Sumo.... something.... deadlift. I can't remember! But it was pretty intense. We also did the over head squat that I learned last week. Doc had told me that I put too much weight on my toes, so I focused on being on my heels, & I fell over backwards! Guess I over corrected on that one :p

Then Sean told us that we'd be doing box jumps... I was about as nervous as a deer on the firing range. Because if you know one thing about me, it's that I hate jumping. I couldn't keep up very well, but I was proud of the amount I did, because as a personal accomplishment, I did great (:


All the people in my class were about my age which was comforting, but also made it a little harder. It's hard to open up when you're self conscious to be there.. Here is the emotionally draining part of being overweight.. Every time you walk in a room, you gage everyone else’s physique. Are they skinny? Are they fat? Am I the fattest person in the room? When I’m around others I feel constantly judged, whether I am or not.. I wish people knew that I really am trying to change my life.

The hard part of that though, is that I get so down on myself when I slip up. Today at work I had a coke… I was going on 6 hours and was worn out, I felt like I just needed the caffeine. I don't want you all to think I'm 100% on board with this new lifestyle change or that I don't slip up often. Eating Paleo is going to be extremely difficult but the days that I've done it, I've felt significantly better. Sometimes I wonder why I even go off plan? Every time I eat something fattening, full of carbs or sugar, I feel like crap within the hour. Why do I do this to myself? Like I said yesterday, my life, my future, are worth so much more.

Goodnight, folks. Somehow I managed to promise I'd be at CrossFit Glory for the 5:30AM workout. Say a little prayer.

"The Best Decision of my Life"

The day I signed up for CrossFit three people told me that it would be the best decision I’d ever made… I’m not ready to confirm this, but that is a hell of a testimony to it if you ask me. Losing weight is tough… But lately, it’s the easiest decision I’ve ever made.

Last summer, I watched my uncle’s diabetes infect his entire body, & eventually take his life. He struggled with his weight for as long as I remember, but in his later years he slowly got worse & worse to the point that he had to have his leg amputated because the infection was so bad. This was an eye opener for me. I do not have diabetes but I am pre-diabetic. This is something that I never want to be diagnosed with & I hope to lose this weight before I see that day, because at this point, it isn’t far off.

Eating is a huge part of my life, not just as a necessity. For me, it’s an outlet, a comfort, a pleasure, a pastime, almost a hobby. In the moment, it is really hard to overcome my temptations… But if I can just take 10 seconds to think about the decision, my conclusion is always the same…

Do I want this coke, or do I want to be on medicine my whole life?

Do I want this ice cream, or do I want to shop at Forever 21?

Do I want hot wings, or do I want to go on an airplane without asking for a seatbelt extender?

The list goes on…

This is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever set my mind on doing, but it is the easiest choice I’ve ever made.

Here’s to a healthy future…