Lifting The Weight

Writing... I've been writing this one blog post in my head for the last two weeks... and I'm stuck. One of my goals in life is to be an open book, for anyone to read. I want to relate to people and to inspire people. I want to be a resource for people to stumble upon. I realize there are "tough subjects" in life that we often keep to ourselves, but wouldn't it be easier if we all had each other? There are many things that have happened in my life where people tell me, "I'm not alone." I know this is true... but where are those other people?

Well here I am. Elizabeth. And I struggle with depression.

I'm not talking about when something sad happens and in turn, I'm sad. I'm talking about the aching feeling of sadness, even when everything is going right. When there's absolutely no reason. That kind of sadness.

People ask me... what does it feel like?

Someone told me an analogy once... about when crocodiles hunt for their prey. They lurk in the water and come up from behind, tearing them limb from limb.

That's what depression is to me. I can be swimming smoothly through the waters and then all of the sudden, there it is, lurking, and slowly tears away my life piece by piece.

It's the feeling you get when waking up in the morning and being sad that you made it through the night, that another long hard day is waiting for you. The feeling that no matter how many people tell you differently, you are unlovable.

Before last May, I found myself overcoming these terrible feelings primarily with food, alcohol, and sleep. My schoolwork was undone and eventually led me to dropping my classes. I was gaining more and more weight and didn't take care of myself.

But then something life changing happened...

First, I met Doc, who planted the idea of fitness, and it stuck with me. We started working out, and believe  me, it wasn't pretty. But it made me feel better.

Then, on May 28th, I found CrossFit. I started right away because I was tired of being sad. The first few weeks were hard, hard on my body. I was anxious about meeting new people, and worrying that they thought I was "too fat" or "too weird" or "too different."

I remember someone telling me this was the
first picture I looked truly happy in a long time

Things quickly got better, not perfect, but better. I began building friendships and learning about self-belief. I learned how to show myself love instead of poisoning it with temporary fixes.

CrossFit is the perfect kind of community. It holds spirit and friendships. It teaches you to reach for your limits and go beyond them. It gives you qualities that transfer over into other parts of your life.

Shortly after joining CrossFit I found a job and was offered two more. Last month, I went back to school and I'm loving it. I finally picked a major and am confident in it.

I honestly don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found this crazy lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, there are still days that I struggle. Like this week, it's been rough... But I know one things for sure, when I'm hitting rock bottom, I know I have a community that will lift me up. Instead of drinking, or skipping out on class, I find peace in lifting weights.

CrossFit is hard, but it's the best thing I've done for myself. I choose to be healthy. I choose to be stronger than this illness.