What More Do You Want From Me?

Emotions are running high today so I thought I'd get it down on paper laptop.

Well, I've been awake for over 36 hours now. I've been fighting off a summer cold all week & finally last night, being sick caught up with me. I was up all night with some sort of stomach virus. I tried to go to work this morning but got sent home. After laying in bed for about two seconds, it hit me.... "Quit being a p*ssy!! You could be at CrossFit right now." This is the same thought that keeps me from missing workouts. The same thought that gives me drive when I can't go anymore. So I went...

I put on my happy face, made the choice to not tell the coach that I'm sick (because that would just be an excuse to not work hard) and sucked it up. I ran the 600m warm up (without stopping, woohoo!), kept up in the warm up, started off the WOD with a strong 1000m row, & at that point I was thinking, "Take that stomach flu!"

Maybe I spoke too soon... because that workout was just going a little too well. 

Somewhere on the second round it hit me, I'm going to be sick. It's gonna happen. 

My stomach was in my throat. I felt like an obese Norwegian man was sitting on my chest while yodeling and making goat cheese at the same time.

After getting sick, I quickly rocked out the rest of the workout so I could go home. I really just wanted to go home. 

Here's the thing, that's really on my mind... 

When I started off at the gym, I did it for me. I did it to get healthy. I continued to go to CrossFit to prove to myself that I could do it. Somewhere along the way I got hung up on what other people thought. I continued to go to prove to THEM that I could do it. 

I never really had to prove myself at CrossFit Glory. Everyone was accepting from day one. There were certainly others that doubted me though. Which really doesn't surprise me, it's a rough journey. 

Lately though, I've been feeling like people just want more and more from me. Whether it's that I'm not rowing "good enough", resting too much, not lifting heavy enough, not eating enough, eating too much, or just not eating the "right" things... It's never enough. 

I show up every. single. day. I stay after often. I push myself to do more. I'm swimming. I'm training with Doc. I'm eating close to nothing. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Here's the thing, Olivia, a fellow CrossFitter, reminded me of today. As long as I know I did my best... that's what really matters. And honestly, today I did do my best. I was so tired, feeling so sick, I gave it all I could, I tried.... and it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.